Last year I wrote about my students and how awesome they are (See September 7, 2005 post if interested). I absolutely love my job even though last year turned out to be quite difficult. I had trouble connecting with my 8th grade students last year despite having a strong connection with them in previous years. I honestly don't know what happened. Things didn't go poorly. When I look back on things, I accomplished some good stuff with them. But somewhere along the way I lost something with that class and I can't figure it out. On the one hand I trust that God accomplished what he wanted to accomplish through my relationship with that group even if I messed things up. On the other hand, I constantly question whether I could have done some things differently to make a bigger difference. I prayed for them constantly but as the year went on they seemed to distance themselves from me. I really hope I didn't do something to push them away.
I subsequently found out that some of the students thought that I hated my job and that I couldn't wait to do something different. This was painful for me to hear because I constantly told them how awesome they were and how much I loved my job. Perhaps they got this (strange) idea when I had pneumonia because I certainly didn't want to be at work for a good two months but went to work against my doctor's advice because I care so much for my students and wanted to be there to make whatever difference God would allow me to make. I had pneumonia and could have died but chose to go to work because I love my students and my job just that much. So when I found out that some people thought I didn't want to be there I couldn't believe it. Perhaps I'm over reacting but my motivation is that I want to make a difference in the lives of my students. Given the number of teachers out there who treat their students like cattle while providing "cookie-cutter" education, I am proud to say that I actually care about my job and helping my people.
I honestly feel that despite my best efforts I let them down last year in several ways that maybe even they wouldn't recognize. I think my health issues and the feeling of ineffectiveness and helplessness led to my post this summer about feeling worn down and tired (see August 4, 2006 post if interested). I'll have more to say about feeling worn out and tired in a later post. But the biggest thing I learned is that even if I am unable to see a way to make a difference in the world around me, God knows what He is doing and I need to put my hope in Him rather than in myself. At first it bothered me that I care so much about making a difference but I now realize that this is a God-given desire and that God wants us to concern ourselves with being fruitful. Having said this, I would like to make perfectly clear that fruitfulness is not born out of our own strength and talents alone. Fruitfulness that is meaningful must be rooted in what God is doing and sometimes God works through us even when we aren't working particularly well. I pray that if I did fail to maintain a strong connection with my class last year that God worked in them anyway.
I've been meeting with a group of former students for a couple years now on a weekly basis. Lately I've been feeling like the strong connection I once had with them is getting away from me. Some of the guys haven't been coming lately. Some of the guys hardly ever talk to me or want to hang out with me anymore. And I think a few of them think less of me because I went through a phase this summer where I was in need of rest and refreshment and sometimes behaved like a big jerk.
All of this- the loss of connection with my 8th graders last year, and the loss of connection with the group of seniors I've come to care for and love very much over the past two years - has been eating at me. I just want to help people and love them and make a difference. Lately I've been feeling like I'm not allowed to be human. I feel like people that I've loved and served haven't given me the space to have pneumonia and be less energetic. I don't have the space to be worn out after a long, hard school year followed by a month of gruelling camp prep, followed by camp. I don't have the space to be human and get irritable now and then. I don't have the space to ever be discouraged even though I only hear about things that go wrong and get very little encouragement and positive feedback about anything I do.
While I feel like I have no space to be human,God calls us to rise above the negativity. He calls us to rise above fleshly desires and gives us the strength and the grace to be joyful,loving, patient, and to persevere even in the midst of intense struggle. The fact is, I have screwed up. I failed to accept all of the grace God offered me in the midst of all those struggles. At times, I chose to deal with them on my own, with my own talents and with my own waning strength. It was prideful and I was wrong.
So to anyone reading this who I let down I am truly sorry for my pride and my refusal to accept all of the grace God has for me. And to God, I am sorry for being so full of pride that I didn't turn to you more. Please help me to seek you, to know you, and to love you with all of my strength and help me to never try to stay in the struggle on my own strength. Please help me to accept my human limitations even if others do not. Help me to see that despite these limitations, you do, in fact, love me anyways, and have all the grace I need to make a difference wherever you place me. Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you even if I only hear about my failures from others. Please help me to accept your love when hearing only about my failures is painful to me. Please don't let me waste my opportunities to love you and to love others. Please tear down my pride and make me humble.
