Grace

Avalanche!

2007-10-17T16:58:00.000-04:00

I'm having an interesting week. Monday I met with my mom's social worker and physical therapist to discuss mom's transition back home. She is getting a walking cast on Oct 24 and coming home Oct 27. I have a bunch of stuff to do to prep the house for her return to make things less hazardous for her.

Yesterday I was stopped at a red light and a full size van plowed in to the back of me. It was so violent I blacked out for a brief moment and regained consciousness after my car was pushed through the entire intersection and was moving down the street. I am in a fair amount of pain in my head and in my neck.

I aggravated a slowly healing heel injury in my foot by running to the other vehicle to see if they were ok and to get them out of their van, which was beginning to catch fire.

When I returned from the doctor today I found raw sewage leaking through my kitchen drywall and have to take yet another day off from work to be here when the plumber arrives. Then I'll have to wait for the maintenance folks to schedule someone to come in and redo the drywall.

Sunday I have to go to a conference for work all day and will not get a badly needed day of rest.

I feel like the whole world is caving in on me right now and I am beginning to crack a bit under the stress. Sorry if this comes off like a pity party. I just needed to tell someone that my head hurts, my neck hurts, and my foot hurts. I'm exhausted from not sleeping well at all last night. I feel like I'm being buried alive in an avalanche.

There is another avalanche at work here. The avalanche of God's love for me is at work. God's love is also burying me, covering me, strengthening me, and holding me up. The cracks that are appearing due to the stress are being covered by God's love. As I realized that I was trying to deal with all of this on my own strength, I decided to rest in the one who loves me beyond measure.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. - Psalm 20:7

Psalm 20:7 does not mean I get to just sit back and coast through an easy life. There is plenty of work to do whether I feel like doing it all or not. But I trust in God for peace, joy, strength and wisdom in the midst of it. He will provide all I need and I can rest assured of this.

I do not need to worry about my mom, the house, the car, or even about my health. I just need to trust in my Father who loves me, and made me to overcome. God did not create us to be overwhelmed by life. We were created to know and love God and to bring glory to Him. In the end, things may not be perfect, but good will come from all of this.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

When we feel the cracks of stress bursting; when we see the signs of an avalanche coming (or perhaps it is too late; it is here!), when we feel like we are left alone to handle a host of problems on top of our jobs and our vocations all by ourselves; when we feel like we are being owned by life, we need to run to our Heavenly Father. I grew up without a dad, so I am unfamiliar with going to dad for help. I am learning to do this, and what a blessing it is!

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging. - Psalm 46:1-3

God truly is my refuge and my strength. The world is not ending. I have a few minor bumps in the road to deal with and I'm feeling like a little kid who is overwhelmed. Thank God this little kid has a big, strong, loving Father who will walk me through all this. I am thankful for the avalanche of His love for me.

Blur

2007-09-12T18:47:00.000-04:00

Life has been crazy. I'm in the middle of moving. I painted one of the rooms I am moving into and it needs to be redone. School just started. My mom broke her ankle the night before the first day of school. Yesterday I had to get up really early in the morning to take her to the hospital for surgery on the ankle. The surgery went well but she cannot put any weight on it for six weeks! The selfish part of me tried rearing it's ugly head and the grace of God came and I accepted. I can take great care of her for six weeks.

She is actually thinking about going to a temporary nursing home for a few weeks. She has such a sweet personality. It will be enjoyable to go visit her and see her interact with the staff and patients there. I wish I would have appreciated her personality more when I was younger.

While I'd rather be able to go home from work and relax and do MY stuff, I have a great opportunity to go to my mom's home after work and do HER stuff and take care of her, love her, and be there for her. My mom has been a huge blessing to me all my life. I hope and pray that she will feel loved over the next six weeks more than ever. God is so good!

Sin

2007-08-19T14:23:00.001-04:00

"Sin is a cruel murder, a frightful act of God-murder, a ghastly annihilation of all things. It is murder because it is the only cause of death, both of the body and of the soul of men. It is God-murder because sin and the sinner caused Christ to die on the cross, and the sinner continues this crucifixion of Jesus, day by day, within himself."

-St. John Eudes

Thank God for mercy!

Simple Pleasures of the Summer

2007-08-01T19:16:00.001-04:00

I love getting the summers off from work. I love to relax on the hot days and do little projects around my house on cooler days. I've been visiting with a few friends lately. The other night one of my friends and I went for a long car ride down to Ohio. It was a beautiful summer night. The sky was incredible. As the sun made it's way past the western horizon, the moon, in the eastern sky, was huge, and red, and most beautiful.

I've been having fun playing with my dog. She is the sweetest, coolest dog ever. She is a blessing from God. She loves to play even if she is a bit lazy.

I am becoming more and more aware of God's presence in everything I do. I've been learning to act as if God is here with me, relating to me, because He is. It is possible to have a relationship with God. The thing is, you have to pursue Him. You have to acknowledge His presence. If I were to go about my day ignoring Him in everything I do, then there is no relationship.

So many people try to limit the spiritual to the "important" things, like prayer, having a Bible study, going to church, and participating in some sort of Christian small group. God is certainly in those things, but He is with me as I watch a movie. He is with me as I play a computer game. He is with me as I sit in my friend's rental car, waving my hand through the summer breeze as the car rolls down a rural road in Ohio. He is with me as I enjoy ice cream on a hot summer night. He is with me as I lay down to rest. He is with me as I brush my teeth in the morning. He is with me as I pet my dog and throw things for her to fetch...and He enjoys being with me. I am learning to enjoy being with Him.

It is easy not to notice Him. We let ourselves get so busy that we enjoy much of life without Him. But for whatever reason, I've been noticing Him. I've been sharing the joys of my life with Him, and He takes delight in it. When life isn't so enjoyable, He is also with me. I am able to see Him with me in the hard times in life too.

Sometimes the most "spiritually powerful" encounters with God go unnoticed. I participated in a Christian support group for a group of high school seniors this past year. One of the guys expressed frustration at the amount of time we spent just socializing. He wanted us to engage in more "spiritual" conversation. He is a great guy, but he really missed the boat. God is in the mundane things of life, and that is where He often chooses to work most powerfully. God is in the little things, too. God really was pleased with some of our time socializing, and He delighted in it. One does not have to kneel on a prayer mat, meditating on the deep mysteries of God all the time. We can deepen our relationship with God in everything we do. It takes time and effort, but it is so worth it!

Food from Heaven

2007-07-24T23:45:00.000-04:00

Study your heart in the light of the Holy Scriptures, and you will know therein who you were, who you are, and who you ought to be. - St. Fulgence of Ruspe

I find this to be very true. Scripture is such a key to living the Christian life. It boggles my mind to think that I have spent significant portions of my life trying to live as a Christian, but not taking it seriously enough to immerse myself in God's word.

I've become so used to certain phrases in Christianity that I frequently gloss over the real meaning of them. Take the phrase, "God loves you." How many times have we heard this one? How many times have we actually taken the time to think about what that really means? The One who created all things, who is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-holy, and all-loving knows who I am, and loves me. Love is not just a feeling of affection. God doesn't just have warm fuzzies for me. Warm fuzzies are so over-rated anyway. Love means that he acts upon his concern for me. He takes the best course of action - the perfect course of action - for my benefit at all times. This has so many implications. One could spend hours thinking about all the implications of God's love. To mention a few, God has mercy on me when I miss the mark. God delights in me. God enjoys my company when I spend time with Him. God delights in the work I do. God never turns away from me. God never takes out his frustrations on me. God cares for me and provides for me. He holds me in existence by keeping me in his thoughts at all times.

What about God's word? How many times have I taken this for granted. It is God speaking to us...to me! Why would I even consider trying to live a Christian life without taking time every day to see what God has to say to me? Why would I ever choose to tune out at church while God's word is being read to me? Why would I ever choose to tune out at church while God's word is being reflected upon during the homily? Didn't Jesus tell us that we don't live on bread alone, but also on the word of God? Why would I starve myself of God's word? Yet, for large portions of my life, I have chosen to do this.

It is no wonder, then, that for large portions of my life, my faith has been weak and powerless. It is no wonder then, that I don't see the hand of God more in the world. It is no wonder then, that it has been difficult to discern what to do with my life.

Over the past ten years I have grown more devoted to regular Scripture reading in my life and it has changed my life. When I am regularly in God's word, I have strength to live for Him. When I regularly read God's word, I grow in love for Him. When I read the Bible often, I find the temptations of the devil and of this world, much less interesting.

If a man were to stop eating food for a few days, he would be weak and tired. If he were to go months without eating he would most likely die. If the Word of God is bread for the soul, then of course we get tired and weak by refusing to be fed by it. It frightens me to think about trying to go long periods of time without taking the time to be fed by God's word.

"Blessed are those...who seek him with their whole heart..." - Psalm 119:3

I want to be blessed in this way. I want to seek God with my whole heart. I want everything in my life to be about seeking God. I want my work, my play, my rest, my relationships, my money, my time, my strength to be opportunities to seek God. One of the best ways to seek God with one's whole heart, is to spend time with God each day in prayer and in the Scriptures.

Please, if you are trying to seek God; if you want God to reveal Himself to you more fully; if you want to love God more; if you want to overcome the obstacles in life, do the following:

1. Ask for more of the Holy Spirit in your life.
2. Ask God to reveal Himself to you more.
3. Spend time each day telling God about your day, your life, the good things, and the difficult things.
4. Spend time each day reading God's word in the Bible and think about it, pray about it, and talk about it with others.

It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me!

2007-07-22T22:23:00.000-04:00

This is really long...sorry! This is a longer version of a talk I gave at Pine Hills. I couldn't give the long version at camp because it would have been too much. As I gave the talk I really felt a focus and a communion with God that I've never experienced before. Perhaps I think too much of my thoughts and my talks, but I really think that many of the things written below will be helpful to people. Please give it a try.

It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. - Galatians 2:20

It is not always easy to be a good person. Sometimes I want to do the wrong thing. Sometimes I want to get out of my responsibility to do the right thing. I don't always want to subject my thoughts and my actions to the will of God. I don't always want to submit my weaknesses and shortcomings to God's good and perfect will. Sometimes I want to do things my way and, therefore, I have frequently failed to obey God.

Jesus tells us in The Gospel of St. John (John 14:15), "If you love me, you will obey what I command." This truth can be a painful truth to think about. If I don't obey God, then I am choosing not to love Him. Of all the times I failed to obey God, I chose not to love Him. Whenever I find myself struggling with sinfulness, losing the battles with my weaknesses, and falling flat on my face; if I take a step back to examine what is really going on, the truth is, I've chosen not to love God. It can be hard to love.

When I was about two weeks old my father walked into my life, held me for a half-hour, handed me back to my mom and walked out of our lives, abandoning us; abandoning me. Since the day he held me in his arms and decided I wasn't worth loving, I have never seen him, nor have I spoken to him.

Nobody's parents are perfect. Sometimes I think my mom was a better parent than many parent couples. I've seen many dads who are emotionally distant from their children. I've seen dads that have problems with rage over the smallest provocations. I've seen plenty of dads who have little or no time to spend with their children. I know plenty of dads who cannot relate with their kids; who cannot play with or goof around with them; or who cannot discipline out of love. I don't think many dads today take time to teach their sons how to be good men. It seems like the typical dad today goes to work, comes home tired and distant, attempts to connect with the family, feels overwhelmed with all of the needs a family has, and gets too upset over little things like leaving the lights on in an empty room, or the bicycle that was left in the driveway, or the lawn that did not get mowed.

If I had a dad, I'd want my dad to love me. I'd want my dad to discipline me and to teach me how to be a good man. I'd want my dad to be part of my life. I'd want my dad to goof around with me and to play with me; to show me that even if he is tired; even if he is irritated with his job, or with the pressures and stresses of life, that in some small way, I matter enough to him that he would take time out of his busy day to enjoy me. I wish dads would take time to enjoy their children.

Everybody's parents have flaws and weaknesses, and are far from perfect, and yet most of us tend to love our parents. Our parents, despite our flaws and weaknesses, tend to love us. But how many people are capable of expressing love to others? How many dads out there that are distant and cold to their families actually realize that they are distant and cold? How many kids out there have parents that have no clue that their children appreciate them and love them?

Love is something that was meant to be expressed. It wasn't meant just to be felt. It wasn't meant just to be thought. It was meant to be expressed. Love needs to be expressed daily, freshly, and completely. Expressing love has no time for being busy. We are all busy. Are we too busy to express love to those whom we love? Not many of us are good at expressing love. I am terrible at expressing love. I feel it. I think it. I fail at expressing it. Why?

Most of my flaws and weaknesses are related to growing up without a dad. God made human beings to have a mom and a dad. Each parent has much to offer to their children. No matter how amazing one of them is, he or she cannot offer everything a child needs on his or her own. I missed out on so many things a dad has to offer, even an imperfect dad.

When I started to get old enough to understand these things, I realized that I had a very limited understanding of what it really means to be a good man. I often felt like a second-class person because most of my friends who had dads in their lives seemed to be much better persons than I was. When I got to a certain point in my life and realized that I wasn't magically going to turn into the "super-Christian" men that were part of my life, I became very discouraged, and nearly lost all hope.

But I remembered a day at boys' camp when I was a kid. I remembered how inadequate I felt that day, and how discouraged I was, and how I offered my worries to God that day and felt like God told me that everything was going to be OK, and that He will take care of me. A number of years later I realized that God, my Father, will provide me with everything I need to be a good man.

God did not create us to suck at life (pardon the expression, but that is how most people express it these days, and it does not mean to this generation, the same thing it means to older generations). God did not create us to fail. He did not bring us into existence to have a hopeless, pitiful, failure of a life.

In the Gospel of St. John, Jesus said (John 10:10), "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
Our adversary, the devil, prowls about the world, seeking to steal our hope, our joy, our faith, and our lives. He wants us to feel as though everything is a lost cause. He wants us to believe that we cannot accept God's gift of salvation. He wants us to live life as though we are going to fail. He wants us to believe that life sucks so that we go around trying to find joy in any way we possibly can except through God.

But that's not how God intended life to be. Jesus came to give us life, and have it to the full. We were created to overcome the obstacles, the flaws, and the weaknesses through the grace of God, and to know Him, to love Him, to serve Him, and to live joyfully with Him for all eternity.

We were made to know God. God knows who we are. He knows what makes us tick. He knows what we like in our coffee. He knows why we are the way we are even when we are confused by ourselves. He knows us by name. He is always with us. He is constantly talking to us, saving us, strengthening us, disciplining us, comforting us, and enjoying us. We can know Him too. We can speak to Him. We can receive His comfort and care. We can receive his instruction and discipline. We can hear Him if we really want to. We can enjoy Him as our God, as our Savior, and as our friend. This is all possible to anyone who will take the time to ask God to reveal Himself and have the faith to wait and see what He reveals.

We were made to love God. God certainly loves us. Why wouldn't He want us to love Him? We can love God because He first loved us. We can love God because He is able to pierce the hardest of hearts, and bring warmth to the coldest places of our hearts if we allow Him to be part of our lives. We can love God because His son, Jesus Christ, died for us while we were yet sinners. We can love God because of the nail pierced hands, the wounded side, the crown of thorns, and the bruises and gashes on the body of Jesus Christ. We can love God because Jesus, who had the power to come down from the cross, chose to stay on that cross out of love for us. We can love God because that love that held Jesus to the cross also raised Jesus from the dead and was victorious over sin and death. That same love can reside within us if we choose, and it can transform our lives. That same love can defeat the power of sin and death within us and make us new.

As I said earlier, it can be hard to love. Jesus said, "If you love me, you will obey what I command" (John 14:15). So how much love do we need to have if we want to be successful at obeying God? How much obedience is enough to show that we truly love God? What happens if I don't have enough love? Does this mean that the love that Christ had, that held him on the cross, that defeated sin and death in his resurrection, is not enough for me?

The biggest problem that many of us have is that we make the huge mistake of believing that we are on our own to solve our problems, to defeat sin in our lives, to overcome weaknesses, to get past obstacles, and to get our lives in order. How many of us spend most of our lives trying to deal with our flaws and weaknesses and fall flat on our faces? How many of us have tried to get a handle on our temper only to lose it, and then spend days or even weeks beating ourselves up over it? How many of us have tried to lose some weight by getting on ridiculous diets, overdoing exercise for two whole days, only to feel exhausted, sore and frustrated to the point of needing a pizza and two gallons of soda to deal with the misery? How many of us have sin in our lives that we try to overcome with our will-power and self-discipline, only to find ourselves woefully inadequate in our ability to maintain the will-power and self-discipline? The silly thing is, after failing, we try again and again and again. This is insanity: failing to solve a problem by the same method over and over again. When will we ever learn that we don't have to strive for, and muster up, and earn the love and favor and grace of God?

The reason God sent His son into the world was because we aren't able to save ourselves. We don't have the will-power and self-discipline and supernatural strength to overcome everything the devil and everything this world throws at us.

It is amazing to me that immediately after telling us, "If you love me, you will obey what I command," Jesus promised us something so wonderful, so amazing, so incredible. Jesus said, "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth...I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. (John 14:16-18).

My father abandoned me when I was two weeks old. My Savior refused to abandon me when the devil tempted him in the desert. My father held me in his arms and left my life forever, leaving me with weakness, pain, and frustration. My Savior refused to leave me, spreading his arms on a cross to embrace me and my sins. My father was dead to me when he abandoned me, and threw away his responsibility and his privledge of raising me, loving me, disciplining me, enjoying me, and being proud of me. My Savior is alive to me and I am alive in him; and he raises me up, he loves me, he disciplines me, and he delights in me because he triumphed over sin and death and rose from the dead.

Over the last ten years, God has healed me of so much pain in my life. He has strengthened many of my weaknesses. He has shown me how to love others. He has put in my heart a desire to love Him and to obey Him. He has given me joy that is greater than any pain or sadness I have ever experienced in life. He has given me the strength to grow up in so many ways. He has given me grace to overcome weakness in my life. He has shown me a path that leads to victory. He walks beside me and guides me, comforts me, and cheers for me. He has not abandoned me. I am not an orphan. I have God on my side. When I am feeling weak, or when I lack love, I can ask for more of the Holy Spirit, and He will never refuse that prayer. Whatever I've needed in my walk with God, He has always provided for me when I wanted it. I'm not perfect by any means. And when I do fail, he has mercy on me. While I sometimes forget that I am a child of God, He never forgets that I am a child of God, and He always treats me as His child. What parent would abandon a child who messes up in life? A good parent would never abandon a child. Our Father in Heaven never abandons us when we fall into sin.

Even though I sometimes falter in my walk with God, I see huge transformations in my life. I am not the abandoned, scared, lonely little boy that I used to be. I am one of God's sons, and am now a man of God who is growing more confident in my Father day by day. I was made to know God, to love God, to serve God, and to be with God forever for all eternity, and I will not fail at this. I know God. I love God. I serve God. I long to be with Him forever.

"It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me" (Galatians 2:20).

We are not alone. We can have Christ within us, living through us. The Holy Spirit can dwell within us, strengthening us, empowering us, comforting us, and instructing us to live as Christ. All we have to do is ask for more of the Holy Spirit in our lives and these wonderful graces will occur more often in our lives. Additionally, for those of us who are Catholic, we believe that Christ is also in us through the Eucharist. A lifetime of taking Jesus into our bodies physically will affect our lives in ways we cannot comprehend. I've been a Christian for most of my life. I've known the power of the Holy Spirit for most of my life. Lifelong struggles with sin and weakness suddenly started to shrink when I became Catholic and started taking Jesus into my body during Holy Communion.

I can see a huge difference in my life since I realized that I am not alone, and that God is always with me. I can boast - like the apostle Paul- in my weaknesses, because when I am weak, He is strong. Since I've stopped striving and trying on my own, I've seen massive obstacles in my relationship with God come down easily. Since I've realized that I need God in my life in order to love Him I've been made new and continue to be made new each day. I can honestly say that it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me...and life is so good!

Farewell Pine Hills

2007-07-20T15:28:00.000-04:00

While I very well may return in some capacity to help out at camp, this was my last year as the Camp Director. I will miss being the Camp Director. God used the camp to bring healing to my life as I learned to give of myself over the years. I pray that God used the camp to bless the campers as much as He used it to bless me.

When I first started as Camp Director, the camp was more or less a boot camp that put on a cool prayer meeting. The emphasis of the camp was character development, which blessed and helped me tremendously as a boy raised by a single mom. As I started to wade through all the work that needed to be done to run the camp I prayed. I really felt God's hand leading me through it all. One of the things I felt God leading me to do was to re-prioritize the goals of the camp such that God was first, having fun was second, and character development was third. This was not an easy task. I was reluctant to make the changes given the strong traditions of the camp.

Many of the staff could not see that God wanted to do way more than toughen boys up and teach them self-discipline. God wanted to bring the boys to a deeper place in their faith, and to give them spiritual gifts that could be used to advance God's kingdom even when they weren't tough enough or self-disciplined enough. God wanted to set kids free from sin and from guilt even if they were not tough or self-disciplined. God wanted to empower the boys to find strength when their character failed them. I have never met a man who could depend upon his character in times of great trial. I've known weak men who excelled in times of great adversity when they trust in God their Father to give them strength. Some of the staff dragged their feet. Some of them silently dissented. Some of them complained behind my back. Little by little, they were either converted to doing camp God's way, or they did not return to camp for various reasons. While I missed those really good guys, camp was better served by guys who were open to doing camp the way God was leading us.

I have been most impressed by the staff's openness to God's leading during the past several years. We never totally disposed of character-building activities. They are still there. The difference is that God is preached and glorified each day instead of just one day. The boys learn to trust in God rather than in themselves. At the same time, they also learn that God wants to strengthen us and to discipline us, and if we allow God to do this in addition to leaning in to the Holy Spirit, they can do all things with God's strength. Our staff has been outstanding the past several years.

The Activities Directors over the past three years have been the best the camp has seen. They were tough when needed, but they have had a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and an eye for the needs of the boys that I have never seen until recently. This is a huge compliment because the camp has had excellent Activities Directors over the years.

The new Camp Director will be a great asset to the camp. He is imaginative, open to the leading of the Holy Spirit, and humble. He will be very effective if he can build good relationships with the staff and the campers. I strongly suspect he will reach out and be very successful at getting to know everyone. He did an excellent job doing that this year. I am so blessed to know that camp will be in good hands.

This was by far my most favorite year of camp. I had so much fun with the campers and with the staff. I saw God move powerfully. This was the smoothest week of camp that I can remember. The boys seemed to have a great time. They seemed to open their hearts to God, and were blessed.

It was a great joy to end my service as Camp Director on a most positive note.

Pine Hills!

2007-07-05T23:51:00.000-04:00

I am going to camp in two days, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

By the way, my mom is doing so much better. Thanks for your prayers!

Prayer Requests

2007-06-07T23:24:00.001-04:00

I had to take my mom to the ER today because she has been terribly sick all week. Not sure what is wrong with her. She was admitted to the hospital due to numerous infections. I am no doctor so I can't really put this in medical terms. The best I can describe it is that she is falling apart. Please pray for her.

My mom is the sweetest human being I've ever known. Very compassionate, loving person. Great sense of humor. Amazing mother. I am not ready to let her go yet. Pray not only for my mom, but also for me that I will not be so selfish.

While I was in the ER waiting for my mom, a patient arrived in an ambulance. Her family was waiting in the waiting room and they were really upset and troubled. Their sister was brought in for an overdose. I prayed ten Hail Mary's for their sister and asked our Blessed Mother to intercede for her and for her family. Please keep them in your prayers as well. One of the family members was so upset she was shaking and crying out to God, promising to get her life straightened out. I had a moment of compassion while in the midst of worrying for my mom. I hope they are doing well tonight.

Farewell

2007-06-03T21:29:00.000-04:00

It was an honor to teach this year. The seventh graders were so much fun this year. They are great kids...funny too. For the most part, they are respectful, fun-loving, good-natured kids. I wish I could reach their hearts and inspire them to respond to God more, but I'll leave that to the Holy Spirit and continue to plant seeds and hope for the best. Most of them are very positive thinkers and very kind to me and to one another. I couldn't ask for better kids. I look forward to teaching them one more year (whether they like it or not!).

I am really going to miss the 8th graders. They are the nicest, eager-to-please, funny, deep, and inspiring kids I've ever taught. I think they are the first class where the girls actually appreciated my humor! That is saying a lot because I have a strange sense of humor. Most of them seemed to like it when I challenged them to change the way they thought about God and the Church. They were at least very polite about having to listen to me ramble on and on for hours. The boys came a long ways since they were 6th graders. I really appreciated how much they grew up and how hard they worked to be the best they could be.

I pray that all of my students, past and present, choose to give in to the relentless,unending, unconditional love of God and become who they were made to be. I wish this year's 8th graders well. May God bless them and protect them. Sadly, I was unable to attend their graduation ceremony.

I hope my 7th graders come back next year hungry for God and willing to hear what God has to say to them through me, through each other, and through God's Word.

Having said all of that, thank God it is summer!

An Amazing Ordinary Day

2007-02-22T22:58:00.000-05:00

I took some extra time for prayer this morning. It was so good. The prayer energized me. I was hyper all day (in a good way). I had so much fun at work today teaching and playing with the students.

The girls let me play volleyball with them. I am lousy at volleyball (I do serve decently well and occasionally get a lucky bump or set here and there)but I really have fun playing. The boys have been letting me play basketball with them even though I am terribly out of shape and can't really play full court. The students at our school are incredible human beings with amazing potential to make this world a better place.

I got to have dinner with a former student. We laughed a lot. It seems that God has been giving me many opportunities for laughter. Laughter is good for me. After dinner I went to a meeting with a few other former students who are trying to live their lives completely for God. They inspire me.

It is nearly March and I am healthy, energetic, and upbeat. After several years of struggling with my health, this is a huge blessing.

I'm going to start posting a bit more regularly. I've had a lot of interesting thoughts buzzing through my mind lately.

Lent is here! Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner! Kyrie Eleison!

"Have mercy upon me, O God ... according unto the multitude of your tender mercies blot out my transgressions." (Ps. 51.1)

Joyful Day

2007-01-10T20:55:00.000-05:00

What a great day! I had trouble waking up. I was very tired, but it was worth getting up. I have the most awesome job, the most awesome students, the most awesome co-workers, and a most awesome God.

I was so blessed to be able to celebrate Holy Eucharist at work. I was a bit drowsy during Mass but still managed to engage my heart and mind in the prayers and worship.
I got a ton of work done today. I put in a long day and got some great things done.

I pray for my students regularly. I really hope and pray that they fall in love with God. Nothing would give me greater joy than knowing that they know Jesus and his love for them, and that they love him back.

I may not be the best teacher. I may be really boring at times, but I really want to make a difference. I really want to help people know Jesus. I really want others to know the joy that I have known in Christ. I hope my students know that I am on their side and that I care and that I am fighting along side them.

I am really looking forward to spending some time with a friend of mine who will be visiting from out of town soon. I am really in the mood for another trip to Ashley's with him. We've had some great food, some great drinks, and some excellent conversation there. My friend is a great guy. He is one of the most generous, virtuous, respectable people I have ever known. He is very insightful, and has been there for me every single time I've needed a good friend to be there for me. He probably doesn't know this but he also has influenced my faith significantly. He inspires me to live for God because of his drive to do things well.

Life is not always easy. It is not always hard. The battle to stay focussed on what is good, and true, is tiresome at times. I easily get distracted. I will not give in. I will not falter. I will remain in the struggle.

The struggle is worth it!

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength II

2006-12-19T19:55:00.000-05:00

It has been awhile since I have written. It was intentional. I wrote on August 4 about how I've become tired and that life has become dull. I was discouraged about life and was becoming easily discouraged about more and more things in life. I was burned out and in need of some major reconstruction in my life. So I made some drastic and some not so drastic changes to my life and am seeing great results.

I've refocused my life on God. It isn't that I lost my focus. It has always been there. But I've decided to lean closer to Him. I've decided to cling tighter to Him. I've decided to get to know Him even more. The struggles are still there. I still worry that I bore my students to death while teaching them the Faith. I still fear that I am not bearing much fruit in the things I am doing.I still wonder if what I'm attempting to do is making a difference. But the difference now, is that I am experiencing great joy in obeying God by teaching and living the way He is calling me to do these things. I am experiencing great joy in being faithful to Him. The difference is that I am placing my trust in Him and relaxing a little; not putting so much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly.

I think it is affecting my teaching. I've been much more playful and "funny" with my students. Some of them appear to actually enjoy my classes now and then. All of them are learning. I hope and pray that they are growing in faith and growing in their love for God. I cannot control this other than hoping, praying, and doing my best to be faithful to God in presenting the material as best as I can.

My basketball team has been doing so well. This year's team lost all their games last year. They have worked very hard to improve, and they are 2-1 now. Their attitudes and their hard work have impressed me. I am very encouraged. I am having a blast coaching them.

Tonight I got to go out for dinner with a former student who is now in college. What a great kid. He is considering the priesthood and is in seminary. We had one of the most exciting, edifying, deep conversations I've had in quite some time. What a joy it is to have a deep conversation with one of my former students! To top it all off, I had ribs for dinner!!

I've had some really interesting, and inspiring ideas running through my head the past few months. I think I'll blog them. Maybe they only inspire me but maybe others will find them inspiring too.

Needless to say, I'm back. I feel like myself again. I am enjoying everything in life, even things that are not enjoyable.

God, thanks so much for the life you've given me! Thanks for restoring the joy! Thanks for my students! Thanks for my former students! Thanks for my mom! Thanks for my friends! Thanks for ribs! Thanks for you!

Reflections...Prayer of Contrition

2006-09-21T22:49:00.000-04:00

Last year I wrote about my students and how awesome they are (See September 7, 2005 post if interested). I absolutely love my job even though last year turned out to be quite difficult. I had trouble connecting with my 8th grade students last year despite having a strong connection with them in previous years. I honestly don't know what happened. Things didn't go poorly. When I look back on things, I accomplished some good stuff with them. But somewhere along the way I lost something with that class and I can't figure it out. On the one hand I trust that God accomplished what he wanted to accomplish through my relationship with that group even if I messed things up. On the other hand, I constantly question whether I could have done some things differently to make a bigger difference. I prayed for them constantly but as the year went on they seemed to distance themselves from me. I really hope I didn't do something to push them away.

I subsequently found out that some of the students thought that I hated my job and that I couldn't wait to do something different. This was painful for me to hear because I constantly told them how awesome they were and how much I loved my job. Perhaps they got this (strange) idea when I had pneumonia because I certainly didn't want to be at work for a good two months but went to work against my doctor's advice because I care so much for my students and wanted to be there to make whatever difference God would allow me to make. I had pneumonia and could have died but chose to go to work because I love my students and my job just that much. So when I found out that some people thought I didn't want to be there I couldn't believe it. Perhaps I'm over reacting but my motivation is that I want to make a difference in the lives of my students. Given the number of teachers out there who treat their students like cattle while providing "cookie-cutter" education, I am proud to say that I actually care about my job and helping my people.

I honestly feel that despite my best efforts I let them down last year in several ways that maybe even they wouldn't recognize. I think my health issues and the feeling of ineffectiveness and helplessness led to my post this summer about feeling worn down and tired (see August 4, 2006 post if interested). I'll have more to say about feeling worn out and tired in a later post. But the biggest thing I learned is that even if I am unable to see a way to make a difference in the world around me, God knows what He is doing and I need to put my hope in Him rather than in myself. At first it bothered me that I care so much about making a difference but I now realize that this is a God-given desire and that God wants us to concern ourselves with being fruitful. Having said this, I would like to make perfectly clear that fruitfulness is not born out of our own strength and talents alone. Fruitfulness that is meaningful must be rooted in what God is doing and sometimes God works through us even when we aren't working particularly well. I pray that if I did fail to maintain a strong connection with my class last year that God worked in them anyway.

I've been meeting with a group of former students for a couple years now on a weekly basis. Lately I've been feeling like the strong connection I once had with them is getting away from me. Some of the guys haven't been coming lately. Some of the guys hardly ever talk to me or want to hang out with me anymore. And I think a few of them think less of me because I went through a phase this summer where I was in need of rest and refreshment and sometimes behaved like a big jerk.

All of this- the loss of connection with my 8th graders last year, and the loss of connection with the group of seniors I've come to care for and love very much over the past two years - has been eating at me. I just want to help people and love them and make a difference. Lately I've been feeling like I'm not allowed to be human. I feel like people that I've loved and served haven't given me the space to have pneumonia and be less energetic. I don't have the space to be worn out after a long, hard school year followed by a month of gruelling camp prep, followed by camp. I don't have the space to be human and get irritable now and then. I don't have the space to ever be discouraged even though I only hear about things that go wrong and get very little encouragement and positive feedback about anything I do.

While I feel like I have no space to be human,God calls us to rise above the negativity. He calls us to rise above fleshly desires and gives us the strength and the grace to be joyful,loving, patient, and to persevere even in the midst of intense struggle. The fact is, I have screwed up. I failed to accept all of the grace God offered me in the midst of all those struggles. At times, I chose to deal with them on my own, with my own talents and with my own waning strength. It was prideful and I was wrong.

So to anyone reading this who I let down I am truly sorry for my pride and my refusal to accept all of the grace God has for me. And to God, I am sorry for being so full of pride that I didn't turn to you more. Please help me to seek you, to know you, and to love you with all of my strength and help me to never try to stay in the struggle on my own strength. Please help me to accept my human limitations even if others do not. Help me to see that despite these limitations, you do, in fact, love me anyways, and have all the grace I need to make a difference wherever you place me. Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you even if I only hear about my failures from others. Please help me to accept your love when hearing only about my failures is painful to me. Please don't let me waste my opportunities to love you and to love others. Please tear down my pride and make me humble.

This Just In...

2006-08-22T06:59:00.000-04:00

I made a new blog, Fuzzy, for the less significant posts. I haven't decided yet whether this is a good idea. In a way, I don't really want to separate the less significant from the more significant because it is all part of life, the struggle, and grace. I'm going to experiment with it and see if I like this or not. I decided to give it a try because it seems odd to have a post ranting about Comcast or my political views followed by a plea for everyone to pray for peace. Still, I can't help but feel that even though these posts are very different in priority and in gravity, they belong together because as odd or as insignificant as they may seem, they are part of what I'm struggling with. At any rate, you can now read my "deeper" thoughts here and my "fuzzy" thoughts on my other blog.

God bless.

Pray for Peace

2006-08-22T01:33:00.000-04:00

Still having problems with Comcast. Did I mention that Comcast is horrible and should cease to exist? This is quite a minor problem in the scheme of things. On a more serious note, I am becoming increasingly concerned about the state of world affairs.

North Korea and Iran are on the verge of developing nuclear weapons (if they haven't developed them yet). The situation in Lebanon is ripe for bigger trouble. European and US citizens are completely oblivious and apathetic to the fact that there are dangerous people out there who want to do us harm.

The United Nations is a complete joke. All they do is pass resolutions and do nothing when the resolutions are violated. I liken the United Nations to the mom at the grocery store with the spoiled child. The spoiled child is grabbing things off the shelf and screaming and making a scene and all the mom does is say, "Stop that! You are going to get a time out!" I've never seen a child stop because of idle threats. I can't remember a time when the United Nations actually made a difference in making the world a safer place. I honestly have no idea why we even bother wasting our time with the United Nations. When Iran gets a nuke and uses it on Israel they are just going to make another useless resolution.

It is only a matter of time before all kinds of countries and terror groups have nukes. Meanwhile we have people here in this country who want to be isolationist. It reminds me of the beginning stages of World War II, when nobody really thought Hitler was a big threat. Nobody took him seriously...until it was too late. People need to wake up. Extreme Muslims are not interested in negotiation, money, and land. They are interested in spreading their extreme hatred wherever they can spread it. When they get a chance they will bring the fight here.

Wishing for the best is great but we need to live in the real world and deal with what really exists. We cannot afford to ignore the problems brewing in North Korea, Iran, Iraq, and in Lebanon. I am in favor of pursuing peace. I am not interested in going to war. Ignoring the terrorists is not peace. Downplaying the threat of terrorism is not peace. Tolerating evil is not peace.

I am voting for whoever gives me the impression that s/he will not tolerate evil, and who will not ignore the problem of terrorism. Unfortunately I don't see any candidate who is willing to stand up for what is right. The only person I see with a plan for combating terrorism is our current president. I fear that if a Democrat is elected we will placate and accommodate more and more terrorists and give them the security and even legal protections to conspire and to execute terrorism. The Republican candidates thus far seem weak to me, and are likely unwilling to be leaders. Consensus would be great but most likely will not happen in this country until car bombs and nuclear and biological weapons are detonating in our cities. By then it will be too late.

Please pray for peace. Pray for God's mercy and grace. Pray for the terrorists. Pray for our President and our leaders, regardless of their political party. Pray that the tensions calm down and that they will not escalate. Pray that God will have mercy and intervene and prevent the destruction of so many lives. Pray that people will repent of their sinfulness and turn to God. Ask everyone to pray for peace.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of your thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Comcast is Horrible and Should Cease to Exist

2006-08-19T00:51:00.000-04:00

I have had nothing but trouble with my Comcast cable service for months and months and months and months and months. I can't exactly recall the exact start of my problems but I'm guessing around October of 2005 I started to have problems with my cable reception. The picture would distort and the sound would break. Sometimes the TV was unwatchable for hours at a time. This was most frustrating when I wanted to watch my football games. I called Comcast and they sent a technician who fidgeted with the wires and claimed it was all fixed. Shortly after he left the problem returned. This went on for months and months.

Maybe it's just me but if I ran a business and I had a customer who was as repeatedly unhappy with my service as this I would make sure the problem is resolved. But Comcast has a monopoly on cable service and could not care any less about its customers because Comcast is our only choice. Little do they know, as soon as I move, I am going to get satellite TV and be done with Comcast for good. A friend of mine had Direct TV and it worked wonderfully.

After months of getting the usual run-around I called the Ann Arbor Cable Commission and finally got my cable fixed in July. October to July of terrible on and off cable service and they only gave me one month's credit. I searched and found absolutely no phone numbers one can call to voice a complaint with someone who is held accountable for pleasing the customers. I searched for an email address to send in complaints to the corporate office. It wasn't possible. I repeatedly asked to speak to a supervisor. Once I was left on hold for over a half hour when I asked to speak to a supervisor. Many other times I was told that there was no supervisor. Imagine that, a huge company like Comcast and not a single person who is in charge! So not only did they give me the run-around, but they lied repeatedly to me. When I finally got a "supervisor" I was told that they would dispatch a "senior technician" to look into my problem. The "senior technician" never showed up on the day he was supposed to come. He came several days later after I once again called the Ann Arbor Cable Commission (which, by the way, is just as inept at giving customers any idea that our complaints are being handled). Finally the problem was fixed.

Zoom ahead to three days ago... I was channel surfing and got a message that said "One Moment Please: This channel should be available shortly." Ten minutes later the message was still up so I decided to just go to sleep. I got up the next day and turned on the TV to see the news and behold, the same message appeared. I called Comcast and got a recording stating that it would work much faster if I just let them send a signal to my box if I press 1 on my phone and that if that didn't fix the problem I should unplug the cable and plug it back in after 30 seconds. I pressed 1 on my phone and nothing happened. Ten minutes later I unplugged my cable, waited 30 seconds, plugged it back in and I finally got my picture back. Several minutes later I lost my picture. I went through this entire procedure again, and again, and again, and again, and again. I have unplugged my cable and then plugged it back in over a dozen times in the past hour. The only reason I'm doing this (rather than giving up and finding something else to do) is to show my readers how much of a joke Comcast is.

I'm not looking forward to dealing with Comcast again. If I had some money I would look into my legal options but I have no money for that and am at the mercy of a seemingly unethical company that does not care about its customers.

So I called Comcast...again, and was told that they sent a signal to my cable and got a response back from it and that they don't see a problem with my cable! LOL!! I had to explain that regardless of the information my cable box sent back to them, I have no picture. They had a hard time understanding that it is a problem when their customer does not have a picture. I was finally able to talk them into letting me bring my cable box in to exchange it for another. I'm guessing this will not fix the problem but as you can see, I am documenting this entire fiasco, and doing it so that my readers can see that Comcast is horrible and should cease to exist.

Saved by the Court!

2006-08-18T16:08:00.000-04:00

I just heard on the news that the recent Terrorist plot to bomb 10 planes was brought to the attention of British officials by listening in on some calls that came from terrorists. While I think that we should do everything we can to protect the privacy of US citizens, I don't think we should protect that privacy for our enemies at home and abroad. I think it is absurd to grant privacy rights to enemies of the United States who wish to kill and to destroy us. It is frightening to think that there are many who believe we should "play nicely" with the terrorists and respect their "rights" to free speech as they plot to kill us and their "rights" to privacy as they communicate these plots. It boggles my mind that the British are more open to using tools such as wire tapping to stop terrorists from killing people than we are here in the U.S. It further boggles my mind that this recent ruling from the Appeals Court may make it easier for terrorists to plan, communicate, and execute terrorism in the U.S. People in the U.S. need to wake up and understand that there are people out there who want to see our country destroyed. They are not innocent little victims who will calm down if we just listen to them and change our evil ways. They will not befriend us. But frighteningly, there are many who want to handcuff our government from protecting us and may have gotten their way in this latest ruling. If the terrorist plot to bomb 10 planes would have occurred after this latest ruling and in the US instead of in the UK, the call that gave them away may not have been intercepted and instead of having news stories about a thwarted terror plot, we'd have news stories about the tragic loss of thousands of lives...and in response I'd (sarcasticly) say, "at least we waited for a warrant." That would make it all better.

It is laughable to me that we need to have a court's permission to spy on our enemies. It is a sham that our President is required to take an oath to protect and defend our country and then be expected to abide by silly rules that tell him that he cannot spy on our enemies because they have rights to free speech and to privacy. While I think it would be a good idea to get warrants when possible to assist with prosecution, I pray and hope the U.S. continues to listen in on the terrorists in order to stop them from executing their plans. I just heard on the news that numerous courts have held (for decades) that the President has the authority to conduct warrantless wire taps on international calls for the purpose of safety and security.

When are people going to learn that the Fathers of our country fought for the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and that life is listed first for a reason? Without the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness do not exist. If one is dead, one cannot enjoy liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If one is dead, one cannot enjoy the right to privacy or free speech. But I am alive and have privacy and free speech. And if I call Osama Bin Laden on my phone then I pray to God someone is listening in. But I don't call Osama so I have nothing to worry about. Nobody is listening in on my calls. Sometimes I'm not even listening to my calls myself. But when people start getting killed by terrorists repeatedly in our country and people start talking, saying, "Isn't this terrible? Why can't anything be done about this?" I'll laugh at them and sarcasticly say, "Come on now, they have constitutional rights to conspire and communicate their terrorism just like we have constitutional rights to conduct our business. Business is business. What do you expect us to do?" It will be a sad day when Osama gets his hands on nuclear weapons and we don't know about it because we guarantee his rights to free speech and to privacy.

I wonder about all those communications that were intercepted in World Wars I, II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, and both of the wars in Iraq. Did we have a warrant to intercept those communications? We had all kinds of spies in the Soviet Union during the Cold War. I sure hope we had a warrant to spy on them because of course, all human beings have a right to privacy and to free speech. What about the Cuban missile crisis? Didn't we fly over Cuba and take pictures? My gosh! I sure hope we obtained a warrant first. We have satellites taking detailed pictures of what's going on in North Korea. Did we get the North Koreans' permission first? Do we have a warrant? News reports are saying they may have nukes now. I hope the U.S. government knows for sure whether or not they have nukes but I'm not so sure our own government knows more than the news because of the silliness out there that insists that we respect our enemies rights to speech and to privacy. Oh, it doesn't apply because they are not U.S. citizens? What about the Civil War? I sure hope the North and South got warrants before spying on each other. Where is the outcry and the demand for retroactive impeachment of Abe Lincoln for spying on U.S. citizens? What if U.S. citizens were working or travelling where we've had spy planes or satellites collect data? Shouldn't we first get a warrant?

Spying sounds unconstitutional to me according to the latest court ruling. Maybe we should retroactively impeach all our Presidents who had spy programs. What if we are invaded by a foreign country? Will we need warrants because some satellite pictures will show the activities of U.S. citizens? Will we need warrants to listen in on communications because some of the communications may be from U.S. citizens? Or maybe pictures are ok but listening in on conversations are bad. Should we really have spies infiltrate terror groups? We might violate terror groups' right to privacy. Perhaps the spies should request a warrant each time they interact with our enemies.

I'm guessing that the NY Times is looking for ways to get information on these warrants so they can print, once again, for all the world to see, all our strategies for dealing with terrorism. But hey, it is their right to sabotage all our efforts to combat terrorism. It's their First Amendment right. When the news media finds a way to unclassify FISA court warrants under the Freedom of Information Act (since our spy programs and other classified programs obviously do not get any guarantees of privacy) or some other loophole, they will have plenty to print since we now need a warrant to spy. This will be done regardless of the loss of life and the loss of years of work to provide security at home and abroad.

What if I call someone in China to discuss a Christian mission trip and the Communist party listens in? I now have a RIGHT to privacy on international calls. I can sue my country for not ensuring that my rights are protected. I can't imagine all the lawsuits that are going to come from this. And how in the world will the U.S. guarantee my RIGHT to privacy on international calls? Should the U.S. force China to respect my rights? That may require military action. But we can't spy on our enemies unless we obtain a warrant so we will most likely lose in a war with China. But at least I have my (useless) rights!

Some of the people in this country think they are so enlightened and superior by "sticking to the principles." But they lack common sense and an understanding of the realities of the world we live in. I'll come right out and say it, I think its stupid that we cannot spy on our enemies without a warrant whether they are at home or abroad. If you want to bog everything down by asking stupid questions like, "well how do we define our enemies?" you can be ridiculous and do so but please step out of the way and let people with common sense handle things. It's really simple. Those who want to kill us and to destroy our stuff in an effort to cripple or destroy our country are our enemies.

There are several exceptions to our Bill of Rights. Despite having the right to free speech, teachers can tell their students about their personal lives unless it is about religion. One cannot yell "Fire!" in a public place when there is no fire. One cannot slander another person. In many instances one may not make statements which are offensive. Despite having a Constitutional right to freedom of religion, a teacher or in many cases, students, may not engage in prayer or carry a Bible at school. Despite the right to bear arms, we are restricted in which arms we may bear, and in how we bear them. Despite having a right to life, parents have a constitutional right to murder their children prior to birth. I obviously disagree with some of the exceptions that have been made to our Bill of Rights (I don't think the murder of the unborn and restrictions on public prayer should be allowed) and I also agree with some of them (I think we should restrict people from using racial slurs in public places). Whether I agree with the exceptions or not, we have exceptions to our rights. We have a right to privacy but there should be exceptions to this as well. Privacy rights supposedly protect a woman's right to choose to kill her unwanted baby. I strongly believe an exception should be made to a woman's privacy rights so that her unborn child would be protected from being ripped apart by sharp instruments or from chemicles that burn the baby to death. Our government should be able to spy in order to protect us from our enemies. Anything obtained other than information pertaining to national security should be unconstitutional, and should be protected. Some will be silly and ask, "What is national security? Does speaking out against the government constitute a security risk?" Again, I am fine with the boggers wasting everyone's time by asking these questions over a Cappucino at Starbucks with their friends but please step aside and let people with common sense handle this. National security is concerned with stopping people from killing us and breaking our stuff in such a way as to cripple or destroy our country. Disagreeing with President Bush or Senator Hillary Clinton and voicing such disagreements is so obviously not a matter of national security. If you wish to tell your friend that you think Hillary Clinton's hair looks ratty or that George Bush's diction sounds uneducated you have nothing to worry about. But if you call up your terrorist friends in Afghanistan to ask them what the plan is for you to asisst with a plot detonate a nuclear bomb in our country you should have something to worry about. It is very simple.

When Hezbollah, al qaeda, Iran, and North Korea get nukes - and they will - I hope we know about it BEFORE it is too late. Some people may end up being unnecessarily distressed when the bombs go off and the US government was too busy dinking around in courts rather than spying on our enemies.

Basically the latest (foolish) court decision about the warrantless wire taps provides our enemies with constitutional protections to conspire to kill us and to communicate their conspiracies with one another. Well done!

Lions and Tigers and Bears...in Washington DC

2006-08-18T15:41:00.000-04:00

Wow. Since my last post I've been quite busy. I just returned from Washington D.C. I was visiting a great friend. I left the day after the terrorist plot to blow up ten planes was uncovered. I was expecting security to be crazy and that I'd spend more time in line for security screening than I would spend on the plane. Security was fast. I really didn't spend much time in line at all. I love flying to Reagan National Airport, in D.C. Each time I've flown there we descended and flew in over the Potomac River. I was able to see the Washington Monument and the Capital Building as we descended. The airport is right on edge of the river and its really cool.

It was unseasonably cool in D.C. The night I arrived it was so nice out. We stopped at a cool restaurant that first night and sat outside talking and watching the traffic drive by. The next day we went on a long hike. We walked from what I think might have been the Pentagon area to Reagan National Airport and watched the planes take off and land for a bit. We crossed over the 14th Street Bridge, which is a really cool Bridge that takes you over the Potomac River. We walked over to the Jefferson Memorial and then on to the new World War II Memorial. Wow, the WWII Memorial was very impressive and beautiful. I'll see if I can find a way to get some pictures of it and post them. We walked past the Washington Memorial, past the White House, and then stopped at a really cool bar for a drink. I was starving so we went out to this amazing restaurant called Sweet Water. If I lived in D.C. this would be my favorite restaurant. I had some ribs and a key lime pie.

The next day we went to the National Zoo. Haha, nearly all the animals were napping when we got there. We did manage to see some really cool animals though. We went to this bird exhibit and there was a beautiful Toucan. I love Toucans. We saw a tiger and some gorillas that were awake. Then we came upon a really cool cow at the petting zoo. I love cows. I love the way they look when they chew and I love the way they moo. I especially love the way they taste. The seals and sea lions were the best. They were quite funny to watch. They were so playful. When they got tired they came up out of the water and perched on a large rock.

It was a great trip...just what the doctor ordered. I can't wait to go back. My friend Dave was great. I enjoyed hanging out with him.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength

2006-08-04T03:33:00.000-04:00

I've been noticing over the past three years that I am getting really tired. Life is getting dull. I've been getting sick so much over the past few years. I'm grossly out of shape and kinda don't care. I don't really enjoy my dog the way I've enjoyed her in the past. I have been seeing my work as a job and less of a ministry and a passion. My friends have become nearly non-existent to me. It has been a struggle to go to church and to love God. It has been a very long time since I've noticed the beauty of anything. I've grown increasingly worried about money and how little of it I make and how I may not afford to live when I grow too old to support myself. I am really tired physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have spent the past ten years of my life giving, serving, loving, and sacrificing as a response to Christ's gift, service, love, and sacrifice for me. But each of the past three years it has been getting painfully difficult. I need refreshment. I need some rest. I need some encouragement. I need to be loved. I need more of God.

After a prolonged and intense period of great healing and transformation in my life I am becoming painfully aware that I am still damaged, broken, weak, and hurting. I need a breakthrough in my life. I need more of God. I've been so tired the past two years that I've slowly dropped out of life. I feel like I've lost my ability to reach young people and to relate with them. I've lost my ability to relate with my friends (most of whom are too busy to relate with anyway). Lately I've lost my ability to hold my temper in check. I've really blown some major fuses lately. I really need more of God.

The thing is, as negative as all of this may seem, I am blessed. I'm so tired I have nothing left to give except everything I am. I offer myself up to God and cry out for mercy and grace. The most amazing thing is that my Heavenly Father loves to answer cries for mercy and grace. So I cried out to Him tonight. I felt deeply troubled and unable to fall asleep so I started to surf the internet aimlessly. I surfed over to my old church's website. The pastor there used to be one of my closest friends and his son was also one of my closest friends. They have a section on their website with old sermons. As I scrolled down, examining the sermon titles, two of them caught my attention. They were part of a two part series called, "Refueling on the Fly." I decided to give it a listen since I was troubled and unable to sleep.

My former Pastor, Ken, discussed his own struggle with what I'm going through and his ascent from it. At a certain point his wife told him he needed to get a hobby. He decided to take up disc golf. That silly hobby transformed his life. He discovered the outdoors and especially birds. This helped him realize that God created everything for us to enjoy. He mentioned Nehemiah, who brought the Jews who were exiled from their homeland back to Israel. Their homeland was ruined and the Jewish exiles were in deep sorrow, partly because of the immense task of having to rebuild their home and their life. They had enemies and doubters who stood in the way of this rebuilding. They were filled with fear and with sorrow. Nehemiah told them, "the joy of the Lord is our strength."

Ken's life was transformed by following through on his wife's advice to get a hobby. I was a first-hand witness to this. I was in deep depression at the time. I was not attending church. I was barely holding on to my faith. I gave up struggling and just gave in to sin, depression, and to my anger. I have no clue why but Ken started to invite me to join him for disc golf. I somehow knew that disc golf was of huge importance to Ken's life. So I was blown away that he would ask me to play with him. I played with him nearly every week for about two years during the warmer months. We would even venture out to play during the winter on milder days. Ken's renewed enjoyment of life soon rubbed off on me and I began to enjoy life again. Unlike Ken, I didn't really care about the birds. I fell in love with the game of disc golf. It changed my life. While Ken learned how to enjoy life through birds, I learned to enjoy people. Ken was the first older person who I felt comfortable with besides my own family. We had deep conversations. I couldn't believe someone older than me took the time to play a game with me and to listen to what I had to say. It was therapeutic. He began to invite others to join us on Sunday afternoons. I soon learned to enjoy them as well. Eventually I realized that people weren't all bad and after turning down dozens of invitations to go to Ken's church I finally went. I began to realize that God wasn't this angry God who was punishing me for the sins of my parents. The height and width and depth of God's love (still a mystery to me while very real at the same time) hit me and captured me and has never let go.

I am a competitive person and a bit of a perfectionist (not in every aspect of life though). I started going to the park to play disc golf to "practice" by myself. This was a major step for me. I hate being alone. I felt very uncomfortable at first. I soon came to enjoy the quiet, the sun, the blue sky, the deer, the shade, the dried up pond at Hudson-Mills Metropark, the other disc golf players out on the course, and my conversations with God as I played.

My faith and my life flourished. I became a member of Ken's church. I became active in youth ministry. I had a very active social life. I was enjoying life immensely. The church was growing, and the core group of people were strongly invested in building community with one another. But it didn't last. Building community ceased to be important. People became preoccupied with their jobs, and nobody had time for anyone anymore. The church began a huge project to plant a new church and Ken stopped playing disc golf with me. My other regular disc golf partners also stopped playing. I stopped playing disc golf regularly because nobody ever wanted to play anymore and there was no need for me to "practice."

I no longer enjoy life like I did four to six years ago. I am tired. Things aren't all bad. I have a renewed love for my ailing mom and a desire to serve her in the midst of her suffering. I have a renewed desire to help people encounter the transforming love of God. I have a strong desire to join the priesthood although I fear that I am too broken and am not a good enough person to become a good priest. I have a deepening desire to offer my life fully to God in a life of service to Him even if it is not within the vocation of the Priesthood. I struggle frequently with the notion that my efforts over the years have not resulted in the kind of fruit I hoped for. For a time this struggle has caused me to want to give up. Lately this line of thinking has been causing me to feel like trying harder and to press in closer to God. I would like to get more involved in my church but have no idea where to get started. I have many ideas of how I could help young people but I have no support, no energy, and no ideas on how to get started. I feel like there is so much worth doing and that there are so many ways I could help make a difference but feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, overwhelmed by discouragement, overwhelmed by weariness, overwhelmed with frustration, overwhelmed by the isolation and loneliness that stems from my childhood, overwhelmed by financial constraints, and overwhelmed by my weaknesses and flaws. I am overwhelmed but I am not crushed. I am tired but I am not dead. I am discouraged but not hopeless. I am sometimes lonely but not alone. I am weak but He is strong.

I just need to find the joy again. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I don't really know what it will take for me to enjoy all that God created. I'm trying. I used to love storms. The other night I actually sat out on my porch watching the sky for storms that were predicted. I haven't gone outside to enjoy an oncoming storm in years. The storm never came. I used to enjoy reading for pleasure. I went to the bookstore to get a book that caught my interest. I couldn't find the book anywhere. I haven't listened to a CD in a very long time. I'll listen to a song here and there but I can't remember the last time I listened to an entire CD. I went to listen to one of my favorite CD's. I opened the case and the CD was missing. I used to enjoy grilling food outside on the grill. I can't afford to grill right now. I used to enjoy going to Cedar Point with some of the guys from camp. I can't afford to go and probably am too big to fit on the rides anyways. I used to enjoy playing disc golf with my friends from church. I can't really afford the gas to drive out to Hudson Mills and my old disc golf friends are too busy to play anymore. I really enjoyed camp this year but am feeling too tired to continue to do it and feel like I am losing my ability to change the lives of young people. I feel like I am standing in ruins. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;

may your love and your truth always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;

my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.

They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.
Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

- Portions of Psalm 40

Ken's sermon comforted me and reminded me of how God transformed my life through joy several years ago. I'm going to listen to part II tomorrow to see what practical suggestions he had for refueling. Lord knows I need some refueling.

I was able to have lunch with two great friends today. We talked and laughed and I really needed that. Despite losing my temper over some rather small things at camp I thoroughly enjoyed camp. I always enjoy the kids at camp. They are the reason I do camp. I love watching them have fun and I especially enjoy watching them discover the love of the Father. To be honest, the staff at camp has been the difficult part of camp for me in years past. This year was different. This year was the first year as camp director that I completely enjoyed the staff. I still got upset over some minor things, but unlike previous years, those minor things did not interfere with my enjoyment of the staff, who did an amazing job by the way.

This entry is way too long. Sorry. It is also one of my most personal entries. I am tired. I am in need of prayer. I am in need of refreshment. I'll bet everything I have that God will provide. The life God is calling me to is definitely worth the struggle and I will carry on.

Squirting Thai Iced Tea Out of My Nose

2006-07-14T22:48:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I head out for camp. I don't know if I am any good at camp directing but I really enjoy it. I get to work with the best people in the world. I get to serve the best kids in the world. I get to serve my Savior and my God. I get to laugh a lot, cry a little, get really really tired, and really really slap-happy late at night. I get to preach the Gospel, sing great worship songs with a bunch of guys, and watch about 100 people fall in love with God again. I get to play mind games on the campers, put on a huge scale team-building and leadership training game, and spend a lot of time laughing.

Tonight I worked all day long after working all day long for about 2 weeks now. Two nights ago I had so much work to do that I skipped sleeping and worked for 2 days straight. So when we were nearly finished and went out to dinner we went to this really good Thai restaurant. I had some amazing pork dish that tasted incredible. We were so silly during dinner. At one point my camp administrator said something really funny as I sipped some Thai iced tea from a straw and then I had to fight really hard to not spit the tea out as I laughed. He started laughing really hard which made me laugh harder and then tea flew out of my nose! Oh man, I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. Good times.

Please pray for the camp. Pray that God's mercy fall upon the guys and fill their hearts and draw them closer to Christ. Amen!

Farewell to Ben Wallace

2006-07-09T00:54:00.000-04:00

The Chicago Bulls decided to offer Ben Wallace so much money he couldn't refuse the offer. Ben is one of my favorite players but I don't even think he was worth what the Pistons offered him (about $10 million less than the Bulls). Granted he is one of the best rebounders and shot blockers in the game right now, his stats in rebounds and blocked shots have gone down in each of the past few years. He is very limited in what he can contribute on offense. He is also 32. I think the Bulls are going to be stuck with an untradeable player with a huge salary which will hurt their salary cap.

The Pistons filled the spot by getting free agent, Nahr Mohammed. Uh...ok, whatever. Soft player, not really worth what we offered him. It is unfortunate that Joe Dumars felt like he had to just throw whatever he could into Ben's place. If the Pistons would have held on to Darko, this might have been his opportunity to make something of himself for the Pistons.

There is talk that the Pistons may offer Chucky Atkins a contract. I like Chucky but I'm not sure the Pistons are going anywhere next year without the defensive game they made popular. We'll soon see.

The New and Improved Pine Hills

2006-07-05T07:59:00.000-04:00

School is over and I'm neck deep in camp preparations. Hard to believe I've been the director for nearly ten years. I've been out to the new camp a couple of times now. The last time I went we began planning where we will have each event. I am really excited about the new place. It should be another tremendous year of camp. I am most excited about what God wants to do. The theme for camp this week is from Psalm 23, "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life." I'll have more to say about the theme later, but part of it is about my previous post about Divine Mercy.

We renamed some of the places at the new camp site. Some of their cabin names were just too corny to use. Additionally, we wanted to bring some of our tradition (now that we have over 20 years of it) to the new place. So we named several locations at camp after some key people from the past. We couldn't honor every single key person. I'll have to put some thought into ways to do that.

We just had a staff training session today. Wow, what a great group of guys...and a very funny group of guys, too. I think every person has a great sense of humor, a great sense of purpose and mission and a great grasp of where kids are today.

Last year was a great year of camp but I really had to strain to do the job. I was not as excited about it as I normally am. Everything took great effort on my part until I actually got out to camp. This year, the thrill is back, and I have been having a great time doing camp prep.

I overhauled one of the big games we do at camp, called "Conquest." I created the game to make some of the leadership and team-building exercises that we've done more fun for the kids. There are two phases to the game. The first phase lasts four days (2 hours each day). The second phase, and arguably the most exciting part of the game, lasts 1 day (2 hours). Most of the changes won't be noticed at first. It's sorta like taking a video game and giving it a new engine and making a few tweaks to the game. You don't really notice much until later. In a sense, I did give the game a new engine. I overhauled the "nuts and bolts" of the game to allow greater efficiency and the possibility of cool additions to the game in the future. I made some minor tweaks which should result in a more exciting experience for the campers. I'm eager to see how well the game works, especially at the new site. It took me nearly 20 hours of work to get the game the way I want it so I will be upset if the tweaks don't improve the game. Unfortunately, I only worked on the first phase of the game. Phase II may not be as exciting as it was in years past because I worked with a partner to make that part of the game really sweet. I am not kidding when I say it was really sweet. It just plain rocked. But my friend who worked with me to plan and execute the 2nd phase of the game is not able to come out to camp this year. The good news is that the work I did on phase 1 this year will allow me to focus much more time and energy on phase 2 in coming years.

God is good! I worked really hard this week and enjoyed every minute of it. Hopefully next week will be more low key. I probably put in about two 18 hour days, two 16 hour days, and two 12 hour days this week. It would be nice to have a few evenings to relax, play some Guild Wars or Counterstrike, play the guitar some, and read a book or two.

I can't wait to see what God chooses to do at camp this year. And I really hope the kids have a lot of fun.

The Path of Divine Mercy

2006-04-25T22:01:00.000-04:00

"... man en route toward the source of all good and toward his fulfillment. By placing his entire being on this path, his body, his soul and his intelligence, man reveals himself in search of God, and a pilgrim to eternity."

-Pope John Paul II

God is the source of all good. Contrary to what many believe, this world is not the source of all good. Exciting experiences are not the sources of all good. People are not the source of all good. Entertainment is not the source of all good. God the Father, Creator of all that is seen and unseen, is the source of all that is good. I wish I would remember this more. I wish I would remember it when I seek goodness in created things, rather than in the Creator. This is not to say that created things lack good. On the contrary, many created things are good because their Creator is good, and He chose to create them for our enjoyment. The problem is when we begin to live our lives as though our life's journey is en route to these created things. The problem is when we seek to find fulfillment and joy in these created things. I wish I would keep this in mind when I am feeling stressed, unhappy, tired, and restless or even distant from God and from friends and family. I wish that rather than seeking to find life and joy and comfort in the things of this world I'd look to God.

How great it is when we place our lives, our entire lives, on this path toward the source of all good. I hope and pray that I will take the grace to place my body, soul, and mind on this path. It takes faith to surrender body, soul, and mind entirely to God. Lord please forgive my unbelief. Lord help my unbelief. Help me to trust you more each day with my body, my soul, and my mind.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.

- Romans 12:1

Help me to surrender my body to you when I am tired and would rather rest. Help me to surrender my body to you when serving you and others is physically unpleasant. Let me fall so deeply in love with you that I would gladly offer my body in your service, just as you offered your body by sacrificing it on the Cross for me. Create in me a pure heart and let me take hold of the grace to be more obedient to you.

"But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." - Deuteronomy 4:29

Help me to offer my soul more fully to you. Open my heart and my eyes more to see the need to place my soul into your care by spending more time with you, by receiving the sacraments more often, by praising you more often, by seeking you with all of my heart, by praying even when I don't feel like it, by singing to you even when I don't feel like it, and by letting my soul's hunger and thirst drive me into your arms.

"...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." - Philippians 4:8

Help me to place my mind upon the path that leads to the sourse of all goodness by granting me the wisdom to guard what I think about. Help me to make better decisions about what I read, what I watch on TV, and who and what I listen to. Help me to understand when I accept the foolishness of the world as wisdom, which I do too often. Help me to see people the way you see them and to think the thoughts you have about others. Give me more grace to keep my thoughts on heavenly things, rather than on worldly things.

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:12-14

These were the words of Jesus, my Savior. There are many who would say that this saying of Jesus is harsh and frightening. I say it is the opposite. Here, he is sharing the way of divine mercy. He is letting all who have ears to hear know that there is a better way than the way most of us are choosing. Here, he lets us in on a divine secret rather than keep it to himself. Here, he lets us know that there is hope. The small gate and narrow road lead to life. Many have found the wide gate and broad road that leads to destruction. We find destruction when we seek life apart from God. We find destruction when we accept the foolishness of this world as wisdom. We find destruction when we choose the fleeting contentments of this world rather than the true peace that God offers through Jesus Christ. We find destruction when we settle for shame, guilt, discouragement and despair that results from our imperfections rather than accept the loving mercy of Jesus who offered himself up as a sacrifice for our sins.

This saying of Jesus is divine mercy at it's best. This is an announcement from Heaven to all who will hear. Jesus tells us that the road that many of us are on is going to result in destruction. He is warning us that we need to stop, change course, and take a different path. He knows that many will think of him as silly and ignore him. He doesn't care that many will laugh at his wisdom as foolishness. His love for us compelled him to speak up and say something that makes many uncomfortable.

This saying of Jesus is divine mercy at it's best because while he give us some bad news - that many are on a road that is leading to destruction - he gives us good news. The good news is that there is another way. There is a gate. It is small and the road is narrow. Oh how I pray that we take this narrow road that leads to life.

There was once a man who walked along a narrow road which led to a hill. He was crucified on that hill. He was an innocent man. Never in his life did he ever do anything even remotely wrong. He is the son of God. He is God's word to us. He lived with God in Heaven.

Jesus, "... being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." - Philippians 2:6-11

Jesus walked that narrow road for us as a free gift to us because he loves us. If we bow our knees and confess him as our Lord, if we surrender to him out of faith in his sacrifice for us, we will find the grace to follow him. He will give us strength when we are weak. He will give us rest when we are weary. He will give us hope when we are discouraged. He will feed us when we are hungry and give us drink when we are thirsty. Jesus will walk with us, step by step, along the narrow road until we find our true home.

Please Lord, let me have the faith to surrender my life fully to you and to trust you with all that I am to lead me home. Forgive my unbelief and give me more faith. Help me to keep Heaven before me in my thoughts, in my words, and in my deeds. Thanks be to God!

"I've walked down a road where the devil's been

Where the kid's have seen things they should never have seen

And the ancient stone knows the deeper tale

About a bloody game, they called the holy war

Heaven is my home and there'll be no shame

I've walked down a road where the angels been

Where the kids have seen things that we never have seen

And the ancient stone knows the deeper tale

About a bloody king who won the holy war

Heaven is my home and there'll be no shame to bear"

- Song by Delirious?

Heaven is Before Me

2006-04-22T13:51:00.000-04:00

St. Francis de Sales once said, "Resolve from now on to keep heaven before your mind, to be ready to forego everything that can hinder you or cause you to stray on your journey there."

How easy it is to lose sight of goals and get lost along the way. How easy it is to notice the world's attractions and the human desire to fill emptiness with just about anything. How easy it is to forget that we are on an important journey that will affect our eternal destiny. The things we do matter. How proud we are to think that we can handle sin and worldliness.

Jesus tells us, in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 7 verses 12-14, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Which gate do you choose today? When faced with a decision to choose to love Jesus or to love yourself more than Jesus, which gate will you choose? I pray that today I choose the narrow gate. I pray that no matter how tempting the broad, easy road is, I will choose the narrow, hard road. Jesus walked a narrow, hard road to the cross to save us from our sin.

The Gospel of Matthew 16-24-25 tells us that Jesus said "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."

Lord I pray that rather than choosing my life on my terms, that I'd choose your life on your terms. I pray that I would never lose sight of the life you offer. Please give me the grace to choose your ways and your life over my ways and the life the world offers. Amen

A few personal updates:

1. I am not sure I am called to the Priesthood and have decided to wait another year to seek God and discern my vocation.

2. I am looking for a place to live next fall. Pray that I find an affordable place to live that is closer to work than where I currently live.

3. My work doesn't offer dental insurance and I have had a toothache for awhile.

4. I am most thankful to Jesus Christ, my Savior for dying in my place to pay for my sinfulness. Happy Easter!!