Just when things were starting to look amazing God decided to reveal my heart to me. Last night I realized I really didn't want to go to Mass today. I had a strong inclination to skip Mass. When I woke up this morning I wanted to stay home. My mind continued to rationalize skipping. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home and watch NFL pregame shows and play some counterstike.
It took great effort on my part to force myself to go to Mass. I got in my car and started driving and realized that I didn't like the condition of my heart. It troubled me greatly that I wanted to avoid going to Jesus this morning. How can someone who loves God so much want to avoid Him? How can someone who wants to know God so badly want to do "more important" things like watch TV? Where did my love go? Where did my hunger and thirst for God go? How could I come so close to allowing myself to skip church as though it was some random dull event that wasn't very important?
No, I didn't like who I was this morning. I didn't like who I've become. I didn't like the inappreciative, unloving, thankless, selfish person that I'd become one bit. As I reluctantly drove to church I had a thought that changed everything: the good news. There is good news in every circumstance, every situation, every incident. It may not be obvious; it may be hard to see, but it's there. The good news for me this morning is that while I didn't like who I'd become, and as much as I hated having to FORCE myself to go to Mass (rather than go willingly and joyfully), Jesus loves me. Sounds a bit trite, doesn't it? I suppose it could be trite if you have little understanding of the significance of this. While I was not being as loving as I could be, my Savior still loved me. While I found it difficult to love Him the way that I should, my Father in Heaven remains completely faithful and unrelenting in His love for me. While I found it to be a huge effort on my part to get in the shower, get dressed, and go to church, God, the Holy Spirit gave me strength to love Him enough to shower, dress, and hop in the car to go to church.
I didn't deserve what I received at church today. I guess we never really do deserve it but I certainly felt much less deserving (if there is such a thing as being less deserving of God's closeness, love, friendship, joy, and peace) today. And even though I had no desire to be there He met me there the moment I opened the door and walked in. As I dipped my finger in the Holy Water to sign myself with the Cross I realized (perhaps for the first time) that He is glad I was born and delighted in my baptism. I couldn't believe it. My heart was so far from God as I drove to church. It seemed like the distance between my heart and God would never be bridged, and all it took was a five minute drive and some Holy Water for me to be right back in the palm of His hand.
As we sang Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy) I experienced His lovingkindness and His mercy very powerfully. I listened to the Scriptures as they were read to us. They were about God's mercy. And just before Holy Communion, when we said the words, "Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the words and I shall be healed," I rejoiced that God could love a sinner such as myself.
Where is your heart toward God? Is it far off? Remember that God is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. No matter what you've done, no matter what darkness lingers in your heart, the Light of the World loves you with all of His Most Holy and Sacred Heart. Welcome to existence!
4 comments:
Great post. This one really connected with me because i usually feel the same way. Then when i do get to mass and think that Jesus still loves me, i feel not only guilty but unworthy to be in his presence. Thanks for that post it helped me quite a bit.
Charlie
I'm a struggling catholic who does not normally got to mass but want to feel God's love thorugh it. Do you have any advice?
Hello struggling Catholic,
I am terribly sorry for taking so long to respond. Part of the reason it took so long is because I really wanted to pray and think about how to respond. The other reason is that I've been working 12-14 hour days at work lately and I haven't really made time to blog.
A couple of thoughts come to mind as I respond to your comment. I don't really know you or your circumstances, and I'm not sure that what I'm about to say is going to help.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that whether we feel God's love or not, God always loves us and wishes to draw near to us. The fact is, He loves us.
The Bible tells us in St. Paul's letter to the Ephesians, " But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions." -Eph 2:4
None of us deserve God's love. We all deserve eternal punishment because all of us have sinned and offended God greatly. We were meant to have a great life and close friendship with God, but because man brought sin into the world, death, pain, suffering, and ignorance of God also entered the world.
God could have abandoned us because of our offenses. He could have given up on us. But instead, God became flesh and lived amongst us. Ultimately he gave up his life as a sacrifice for us, as payment for what we owe. He didn't have to do this. It was His love for us that held him on the Cross for us.
He gave us the Church to help us know Him and love Him. It doesn't matter that you are struggling and that you don't normally go to Mass. He still loves you very much.
One thing that has helped me experience more of His love is to ask Him to show me more of His love. He loves to answer those kinds of prayers.
Also, I found that by taking the time to examine my life and my conscience I can see how sinful I really am and how much the Savior loves me because He doesn't condemn me, nor abandon me even when I've abandoned Him. I've seen that His love is unchanging, unconditional, and unrelenting.
There are two things that have specifically helped me encounter God's love at Mass. The first thing is learning the faith. By reading the Bible and some inspiring books I have learned so much about the Church, which was given to us as a gift from God because He loves us so much. It really is worth it to learn about God and the Church through Scripture and through good books.
The second thing that has really helped me experience God's love during Mass is not only attending Mass, but paying real close attention to the prayers, the Scripture readings, the homily, the music, and the rest of the liturgy. By paying close attention, my mind was focussed and my heart was able to receive what God has for me.
Finally, you can experience God's love at every Mass by participating in the Holy Eucharist. Jesus makes himself physically present to us in the bread and the wine as a re-presentation of his sacrifice on the Cross for us. Along with his physical presence are various graces (gifts from God that empower us to be who God made us to be) that He shares with us when we believe and participate actively.
Before taking Communion, however, you may want to go to Confession. If you are not in a state of grace you will need to go to Confession before Communion. This is another means of experiencing God's love and forgiveness. I love going to Confession. It is a great joy to me to be able to specifically confess my sins sorrowfully to someone who was given the authority by Jesus to forgive and to retain sins. And when he tells me that my sins are forgiven I encounter Christ's love for me very powerfully.
But if all of this seems too much, and if it seems too hard to try these practices, then by all means, start by simply asking God to show you His love. Just keep in mind that whether we feel His love or not, He truly loves us so much that He gave His only beloved Son so that whosoever believes in Him will not perish in hell but have everlasting life.
God bless you!
hey, time for a new post!
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