Search My Heart

Just when things were starting to look amazing God decided to reveal my heart to me. Last night I realized I really didn't want to go to Mass today. I had a strong inclination to skip Mass. When I woke up this morning I wanted to stay home. My mind continued to rationalize skipping. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home and watch NFL pregame shows and play some counterstike.

It took great effort on my part to force myself to go to Mass. I got in my car and started driving and realized that I didn't like the condition of my heart. It troubled me greatly that I wanted to avoid going to Jesus this morning. How can someone who loves God so much want to avoid Him? How can someone who wants to know God so badly want to do "more important" things like watch TV? Where did my love go? Where did my hunger and thirst for God go? How could I come so close to allowing myself to skip church as though it was some random dull event that wasn't very important?

No, I didn't like who I was this morning. I didn't like who I've become. I didn't like the inappreciative, unloving, thankless, selfish person that I'd become one bit. As I reluctantly drove to church I had a thought that changed everything: the good news. There is good news in every circumstance, every situation, every incident. It may not be obvious; it may be hard to see, but it's there. The good news for me this morning is that while I didn't like who I'd become, and as much as I hated having to FORCE myself to go to Mass (rather than go willingly and joyfully), Jesus loves me. Sounds a bit trite, doesn't it? I suppose it could be trite if you have little understanding of the significance of this. While I was not being as loving as I could be, my Savior still loved me. While I found it difficult to love Him the way that I should, my Father in Heaven remains completely faithful and unrelenting in His love for me. While I found it to be a huge effort on my part to get in the shower, get dressed, and go to church, God, the Holy Spirit gave me strength to love Him enough to shower, dress, and hop in the car to go to church.

I didn't deserve what I received at church today. I guess we never really do deserve it but I certainly felt much less deserving (if there is such a thing as being less deserving of God's closeness, love, friendship, joy, and peace) today. And even though I had no desire to be there He met me there the moment I opened the door and walked in. As I dipped my finger in the Holy Water to sign myself with the Cross I realized (perhaps for the first time) that He is glad I was born and delighted in my baptism. I couldn't believe it. My heart was so far from God as I drove to church. It seemed like the distance between my heart and God would never be bridged, and all it took was a five minute drive and some Holy Water for me to be right back in the palm of His hand.

As we sang Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy) I experienced His lovingkindness and His mercy very powerfully. I listened to the Scriptures as they were read to us. They were about God's mercy. And just before Holy Communion, when we said the words, "Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the words and I shall be healed," I rejoiced that God could love a sinner such as myself.

Where is your heart toward God? Is it far off? Remember that God is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. No matter what you've done, no matter what darkness lingers in your heart, the Light of the World loves you with all of His Most Holy and Sacred Heart. Welcome to existence!

I love my job! Do you?

I am one of the fortunate ones. Some would say I am a fool for working at a private school, getting paid very little to do a very time-consuming job. I don't see it that way at all.

First of all unlike my public school colleagues, I get to discuss Jesus with my students. I teach Religious Education (horrible name for the class - I dislike religion and prefer relationship with God). There I get to discuss God with my students. We pray together. We make a difference. We will care for the poor together. We will encourage each other. What a joy to take part in what God is doing with them.

Secondly, I get to receive Jesus through Holy Communion with my students and co-workers. Today's Mass was awesome. Mass is celebrated in my classroom, the gym! In addition to teaching Religious Education I also teach Physical Education. The gym is where we celebrate Mass each week. I was drawn so deeply into the heart of mercy today during Mass. I was so captured by the presence and love of God...and this is part of my job!!!!

Thirdly, I am a kid at heart and goof around with the students and the staff not only tolerates it but encourages it. I have received nothing but support, love, and kindness from fellow staff members who probably don't always understand me and what I'm doing but somehow see the hand of God in what I do. The students may not always appreciate how dedicated and devoted the staff is to them and how much the staff really does care for the students but I certainly do notice and appreciate it. I love the people I work with. They are a blessing to me. We don't have office politics which are actually very common in schools. We are not territorial like so many teachers tend to be. We are not guarded and defensive and wounded like so many of our colleagues are in other schools. Despite the claims of many students, the staff loves kids and cares about each student. We are far from perfect. We have things to work on but we aren't political about it and it is a peaceful work environment. Thank you God for this!

Fourthly (if that is a word), the students are amazing people. I have the deepest respect for them. I love speaking with them in classes, in the hallways, before school, after school, and during lunch. I love to make them laugh. I love it when they make me laugh. I love to teach them and I love it when they try to learn. I see the hand of God on each of them. I see Jesus in each of them. I tend to see the good in them rather than the bad. I never find them annoying or an inconvenience. They are important to me and I would do just about anything to help them if they are ever in need.

Finally, since I do care so much about my students, it is a great joy to me that many of my former students keep in touch, visit me at school on their days off, talk to me on IM, and even share meals with me, play computer games with me, and even pray for me or ask me to pray for them. I regularly get to hang out with several of my former students and it is a great source of joy. I have nothing but the highest level of respect for them and for what they are doing with their lives. I am very proud of them.

I know this may sound corny in some ways. I am particularly and painfully aware that my kind words may make some of my former students (and current ones too if any of them read this) feel uncomfortable. I wish it wasn't uncomfortable for them. I wish they would realize they are amazing people made in the image of God; each of them reflecting Jesus in a particular way. Some of them think they are terrible Christians or "bad kids." I have never met a bad kid and I have serious doubts that such kids exist. The ones who think they are terrible Christians are being lied to. They are children of God and loved dearly by God the Father, God, the Son, and God, the Holy Spirit. They are also loved by a middle-aged kid at heart who, like them, often fails to see the good in the things he chooses to do with his life. But he trusts God because God is faithful. God is loving.

I have come to love the life He has given me. I may not make much money but I am one of the most fortunate men in the world. Money isn't everything and unlike many wealthy people, I generally look forward to Monday mornings.

Will you trust God with your life?